Narcissistic mothers split people into two versions of themselves

Photo by Elizaveta Dushech

I recently realized the fact that narcissistic mothers don't see people as they are but as they want them to be. 

Now, this sounds normal. We all do that. We all try to change people we are in a relationship with because we cannot accept them for who they are. 

However, narcissists go beyond the habit of wanting to change someone in a relationship. They believe that the person they love/care about is someone else entirely.

This is a phenomenon called 'splitting' and I learned about it from a support group I attend. 

Splitting is a coping mechanism in which the person sees another person as either 'good' or 'bad', idealised or devalued. This process is done so that the personality-disordered individual can cope better with overwhelming emotions. 

Therefore, if a narcissistic mother sees their child as bad, then they will easily conclude that the child needs punishment. The narcissistic mother then won't have to cater to the child's needs by trying to calm the child down when in distress. It is scary for a narcissistic mother to know that her child has needs. To not deal with that, they will push this truth aside and conclude that 'they are bad'.

For my mother, I am either a good daughter when I provide her with attention, care and validation, or a bad daughter. That is when I don't answer her calls, don't visit or block her on social media (she's been blocked there since a long time ago). 

A daughter is not supposed to ignore her mother or avoid her calls. Thus, the daughter becomes this unassuming monster because she fails to fulfil her narcissistic mother's need for validation.

'Splitting' is used by both borderline personality disordered indivuals (NPD) and narcissists(NPD). If your mother uses 'splitting' in the realationship with you, she may be one of these two types. 

Seeing the world in black and white

Splitting makes a narcissistic mother perceive the world in black and white. That is a very limited worldview. It is sad because, when you see the world as either good or bad, you miss out on so many experiences that are going to enrich your life. 

When you go on a date, for example, and decide that your date is 'bad' because he/she smokes, therefore they didn't fulfil your need for having a partner with no vices, you may miss out on a potentially great relationship. Or, who knows, perhaps you may miss out on the love of your life. Your black-and-white thinking may actually hinder you from finding a great life partner.

But if you're a narcissist, you may think that all people who are not bending backwards to fulfil all your needs and give you constant validation are true evil. You may feel like they're dangerous and mean. 

My narcissistic mother hinted at me once that she is scared of me. I believe she said that because she truly believes I am scary to her. See, when I don't give her what she needs, she sees me as a scary person who has nothing to offer her. Therefore, she sees me as useless. And to my mother, people who are useless to her are a threat.

If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, please know that you are not completely good or completely bad. You are in between. You have great qualities and flaws as well. Just like any other person out there. 

We are all three-dimensional beings who make mistakes, screw up and hurt the people they love. But, we're also able to offer validation to people, to create wonderful things in the world (pieces of writing, music, poetry or just a great work ethic), donate our time or money to charities or rescue that puppy on the side of the road because we can't stand the thought of them dying there, all alone.

We're not all bad or all good. We're in between. And that makes us so much more interesting.