Knock-knock. Who is it? It's depression. Come in!

Photo by Hadi Slash on pexels.com

I haven't written anything here in a long time. I'm sorry about that. I guess depression has reared its ugly head again and I've allowed it to defeat me for a while.

I've been sleeping too much, lying in bed all day and ruminating about what I've done to myself and all the mistakes I've made throughout my life. 

But, from all my reading and research about depression, I know this mental health issue is just a symptom.

In my case, depression hides my complex PTSD and shows itself during times when I feel like I've failed at something. 

Why does depression occur?

My understanding is that, in general, people with complex trauma have no idea how to process their traumatic experience as a child. They go through life trying to ignore what happened to them when they were small and defenceless. However, ignoring your trauma will only create more trauma in your current reality.

That doesn't sound good, you might think. It's not good, of course, but that's because people who come from abusive households do not possess the ability to 'process their emotions'.

These guys have mastered the art of hiding their pain so well that no one would even guess they are depressed. Moreover, they will medicate their pain with alcohol, drugs (anything will do here), television, sex, money (retail therapy, anyone?), food, social media and so on. Why do they do that? To escape their body and detach from their emotions because their bodies are a reminder of how much they suffered as a child (see Pete Walker's blog).

Pete Walker and c-PTSD

If you think you have c-PTSD or/and depression, you might wanna read Pete Walker's groundbreaking book, 'Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving'. In the book, he explains why those who grew up in abusive families need to escape their lives to feel good. 

As a kid, growing up with emotionally absent parents, you needed to 'deny' your emotional needs, thoughts and feelings because you've noticed that, each time you expressed a feeling like that, no one comforted you or validated your experience.

You were crying in your crib and mommy wouldn't show up to comfort you. You would scratch your knee or a kid would bully you in school and when you announced this to your parents, they shrug their shoulders and ignored you. Or worse, they told you it was your fault and perhaps you deserved it.

Now you're an adult and you should know better, right? But you don't know better. 

You continue to hide yourself and your emotions from everyone, including yourself for fear you'd be abandoned by your loved ones, mocked, criticized or ignored.

Pete Walker explains that the core of c-PTSD, the main wound that we should heal is the 'abandonment depression'. Going through childhood trauma means we were abandoned by our parents and left alone in our little corner of the world to figure things out for ourselves.

That's a harsh reality. A child of 4-5 or 10 years of age doesn't know how to 'figure out his emotions' on his own, let alone soothe himself when he hurts himself or when someone outside the family hurts them.

Walker advises on dealing with the abandonment depression head-on, which, in time will heal the complex trauma and make the sufferer a healthy, functional member of society.

When you heal the abandonment depression caused by your parents who betrayed you and stole your chance of experiencing unconditional love, kindness and compassion from your family and those around you, you automatically heal depression. You won't feel the need to self-medicate anymore. To grab that bottle of alcohol, to numb yourself with pills, to have sex just because it feels good to feel your body that you have dissociated yourself from.

Welcoming depression

The title of this article leans towards a feeling of acceptance. You need to welcome your depression, to open the doors to it. Let depression come into your home. Your depression is a sign that you are dissociating yourself from your trauma, from your body and the horrible moments you've been through as a child (and young adult).

Depression is a good thing. It's like your body is telling you that something is wrong and you need to take action to fix yourself.

Pete Walker's advice for c-PTSD and depression:

No isolation: the worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself from those around you. Go out and talk to people. Join a support group for depression. Call a friend and tell them you don't feel good. If you don't have friends you can trust, call a support line for depression/mental health issues.

I have two support groups that I go to every week and sometimes I need to force myself to attend the meetings. It's not easy but I need to remember that depression loves isolation and the more isolated I am, the higher the chances of making bad decisions when it comes to my health and safety.

Grieve: Walker says that you will starve the depression if you cry out the loneliness, abandonment and depression you felt as a child. What I do is to try and let myself cry whenever I feel sad. I need to remember that crying leads to healing and recovery so I can feel good about crying. (instead of being ashamed of it)

To this I might add: grieve your childhood, the people who raised you, and the way they talked to you and expressed themselves to you. It was NOT OK for them to yell at you, hit you, use you for their own selfish needs, criticise you, control you or make you responsible for their feelings.

It was also not OK to be ignored as a child, to not be hugged and kissed, for your needs to be dismissed like they meant nothing. It was not OK to walk around the house and not be noticed, as if you were barely existing to them. This was unfair, you lived through some traumatizing experiences as a child and you deserved better. 

Cry this out and let go of who you wanted your parents to be growing up.

Your parents will never be well. They are dysfunctional and dysfunctional people, especially if they're older and unaware, are not able to change their ways. Grieve this thought because it is better to let go even if it hurts than to hold on to something for dear life, hoping things might change. In some cases, hope is a dangerous thing, I forgot who said that.

Note: it's a line from 'Shawshank Redemption' :) See below

Love: do something that you love every day, even if that means taking a bubble bath, listening to a great song or eating pizza. Maybe you love watching cat videos on YouTube. Do that. I love writing and reading so I make sure I read something every day even if it's only a social media post, an article or a line of a poem or a song. I need to honour the bookworm in me because that's who I am.

If you start your day by doing something you love (eg. listening to an entire album by a band you love), you'll have a purpose and your day will be lighter and more interesting. Plus, paying attention to a song or a story takes you out of that depression and puts you in the middle of someone else's story, their feelings, their perceptions and worldview.

If none of the above work, therapy will be your best bet. I know therapy can be expensive but from experience, it can save your mind and your life. There is no price to put on your mental health.

I hope you're all well and let me know if this article resonated with you.

Marlena

xoxo