Are you there, God? It's me, the scapegoat

Here we go again with another article on toxic families. 

I'm sure you're tired of stumbling upon those articles on the net. However, this blog is about someone who has survived her toxic family and is here to tell the story. Take my blog as an insider's perspective on abusive family systems.

I'm writing about my family issues because I know others can empathise with what I've been through and can, perhaps find solace in my writing.

Briefly, my family is comprised of my mother who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder by a therapist of mine, my father, who I believe is also on the narcissism spectrum and two younger brothers.

I am not close with any of the members of my family. It just never worked out for me to try and get close to them. If I did that, I'd get burned pretty quickly.

If you know a bit about narcissism, you might be aware of the fact that those who are exhibiting negative narcissistic traits are closed off and quite phobic of intimate relationships. They don't allow people to get close to them enough to expose their vulnerabilities and be seen for who they are.

I remember in the past, one of my therapists advised me to get 'close' to my dad. It felt like my life's mission back then was to create an emotional connection with my emotionally unavailable father and obtain some sort of intimate raport with him. I tried and, as you might expect it, I failed.

But this article is about the scapegoat. What is a family scapegoat?

Well, in my experience, the toxic family's scapegoat is a person who is the outsider of the family. The person who everyone on the inside talks badly about or feels sorry for or is excluded from important family events and decisions.

I have been always the person who is the last one to find out about a big family party, or a family event or even a big purchase (I remember my mother asking my younger and inexperienced brother for an advice on which washing machine to buy. I was living on my own then and she was asking someone with no experience in living life independly from her to chime in with an advice. Good stuff. )

I've also been the one who is talked about behind closed doors and criticised to other family members. On the other hand, my brothers escaped the 'scapegoat' treatment and, as a result, are accepted and welcomed in 'our' group.

Why being scapegoated is bad for your self-esteem?

I think it creates a feeling of insecurity in you to be treated like a 'lesser' person than your siblings. Being scapegoated also makes you feel like you're so difficult that you can't manage to make yourself accepted by the only group that truly matters in your life: your family.

This makes you feel unworthy and flawed. As if you have done something to deserve this (of course, you have not done anything but the gaslighting is real-more about this later on).

Can you overcome this?

Yes, I truly believe that rising above this game that toxic families play where one family member is scapegoated while the others are accepted and welcomed is possible. It's almost therapeutical to resist the urge to convince your toxic family that you belong with them. 

Trust me, loneliness and being on your own is much better than being thrown in a game of victims versus predators. All toxic families out there play various games with each other. The problem is, as a victim of such family, you have no idea what the rules of the game are and if you can ever win.