Sometimes, I think about suicide (but writing stops me from moving forward with it)

 

Photo by Noelle Otto

Suicide ideation is quite common. Or so I've heard. Living with complex PTSD can make life an incredibly confusing experience. You cannot be in relationships because you are bound to repeat the traumas of your past. But you are also yearning to be in relationships, hoping that this new person is not going to hurt you.

(but they do because of a thing called repetition compulsion)

What is there to do when you want something really badly but you know you can't have it? Or if you do manage to get it, it causes you incredible pain and suffering. Exactly, you are thinking of not doing this anymore, of playing this game. This game called life (thanks, Florence Scovel Shinn).

Why? If something you're doing is hurting you (in this case, life), wouldn't you (or anybody else) want to stop doing what you're doing and just end it?

That is exactly what living with complex PTSD feels like. You are overwhelmed on a daily friggin basis with emotional triggers. Someone says something wrong to you, BAM! An emotional trigger. Someone you like ignores you, BAM! An emotional trigger. A project you wanted to accomplish for a while fails, BAM. An emotional trigger follows.

I truly believe that those with complex trauma are not triggered by people but by life, in general. Even going shopping is an emotionally intense experience. I had to return some shoes a few weeks ago and I felt really bad about it (it felt like I wasn't capable of choosing the right shoes for myself so here I was, needing to bother salespeople with my request; I was panicking at the thought of them rejecting me and leaving me high and dry with a pair of sneakers I didn't even like). However, I still went back to the shop and asked for an exchange. The lady at the cashier desk was so lovely and as she smiled, said 'Of course'.

It made me giddy inside knowing that nothing bad happened and my wish was validated and satisfied. However, it did make me think of how easily triggered I am in general. Even by people I do not know (nor do I have the intention to know).

I think dealing with emotional flashbacks and the triggers you were left with from your childhood is the hardest, most intense experience one can ever have. And, unfortunately, not everyone gets out of their complex PTSD diagnosis alive. But, if you suffer from it, know that suicide ideation is normal.

Growing up being rejected, hated and invalidated by not only your own mother but your father, too, can make you spiral into a whirlwind of intense negative emotions. Which can lead to feelings of worthlessness, and, eventually suicide.

Solution?

If you suffer from complex PTSD, know that it is not an incurable psychological condition. There is a special kind of therapy for it (I'll talk about this type of therapy later in this blog). Plus, there are many support groups online that can hold your heart and mend it, at least for a short while.

I attend a few support groups which are actually life-savers. I would have never thought of starting this blog if it wasn't for the people in my group encouraging us to just do something nice for ourselves. Practice your hobbies. Listen to music. Take a walk. You deserve it, they said.

I love writing, so I decided to take the route of writing about this subject in the hope that one day, it will hurt less. I have written poetry about how I feel and I'm currently working on a novel about a dysfunctional family that resembles mine. It always makes me feel like a million bucks when I write a few paragraphs and then cry in tissues because of the words I used. Because of the people I imagine having conversations with in my novel. 

People who, just like my narcissistic family, refuse to hold my heart, like my support group does. And, instead, enjoy watching it break under their cold, dead gaze.

Do you have a hobby? Maybe you're a writer, too. Use your writing skills to express how you feel about your complex trauma. It will make you feel like you have accomplished something.

Something that your narcissistic caretakers would never think you could do.

Don't let your abusers win. Take back control of your life and help yourself.

You can do this. We can all do this.